Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize