So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
people are starting to question the shark bite story
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
