I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
