There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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