you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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