dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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