i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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