I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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