fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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