saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
