the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
