jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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