Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
