so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
