Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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