Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
