Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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