Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
