I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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