Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
