I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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