I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
