he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
