you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
