I have demons in me.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
