sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
