She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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