allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
