wrigley field is MILF paradise
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You made out with two different species that night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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