Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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