the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is Oprah even human
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
