we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
