I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
