Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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