I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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