So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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