well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize