I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
