I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
