Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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