He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
