Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Randomize
