I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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