My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
