one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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