i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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