hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
