im six kinds of drunk right now
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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