Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
