I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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