I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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