She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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