you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
