i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
