I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
