You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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