The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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