after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dignity is for republicans.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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