What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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