i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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