I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
